You think you’re safe in your little suburban bubble? Think again, meat-puppet. The fluoride was just phase one. Last Tuesday, local resident “Crazy Dave” reported that his golden retriever, Sparky, not only started talking but immediately launched a three-hour podcast debunking fiat currency.

“He won’t shut up about the gold standard,” Dave wept. “I just wanted to throw a frisbee.” This is the reality they don’t want you to know about.

Doctor Golden Media investigated the source. What we found was a pipe leading directly from a decommissioned Silicon Valley startup directly into the municipal supply.

Read the full unredacted manifesto on our channel before they take it down. They are watching. Keep your third eye peeled and your browser history deleted.